I came into my relationship with my partner, Ana, as an experienced parent. I had raised two daughters and a son. All had experienced various challenges growing up. I supported them during adolescence through different stages of depression, drug use, anxiety, including OCD and Tourette’s Syndrome. Ana had a 4-year old son when I met her and I had no issues with that. Then I learned that this child’s other mother had declared to the world that he was female at the age of three. At first, like many of us who have believed ourselves to be tolerant of differences, I couldn’t fathom that it was anything so terrible. Our green city was hip after all, and the environment with which to raise children was considered excellent. Then, I met little Paulo and my coherent, liberal, confident mind was instantly rattled. This was no transgender girl.
Paolo’s other mother had declared that he was female at the age of three. At first, I couldn’t fathom that it was anything so terrible. Then, I met little Paulo and my coherent, liberal, confident mind was instantly rattled. This was no transgender girl.
My rational self started collecting the data. How did this happen? Under what circumstances? Since when did one parent (Ana and Paulo’s other mother shared joint custody) get to declare a complete identity change for a very young child on her own? I began to look for information, knowledge and support, and as I did, my heart remained hopeful that we could unravel this mess, but it also grew a gnarly knot of fear that felt like a raw, unhealed wound that was constantly picked at.
From the age of three, Paulo’s overly-zealous mum stated that “Mira” was trans and only wanted female pronouns. She changed his name with the full support of his preschool and told the paediatrician’s office that Paulo was transgender and was now Mira. They accepted this without question.
His preschool teachers read books about children who believed they were the opposite sex and invited the kids to embrace these ideas. Tiny kids who referred to Paulo using male pronouns were corrected.
The preschool taught young children about social justice and one of the teachers had a young daughter whom she claimed was a trans male. The teachers read books about children who believed they were the opposite sex and invited the kids to embrace these ideas. There was much fanfare when Mira “came out” to the preschool by way of a newsletter to the school community. Tiny kids who referred to Paulo using male pronouns were corrected.
Paulo’s mum became part of the cool, “accepting” activist mother’s crowd, who seemed to gain a new identity in their roles as staunch supporters of trans rights in the name of their children.
Paulo’s mum became part of the cool, “accepting” activist mother’s crowd. Jut as many of our teens are trying on new identities, I think some parents (seems to be mostly mums) gain a new identity in their roles as staunch supporters of trans rights in the name of their children.
Paulo struggled. Ana’s ex moved out of their shared home and began living with a boyfriend and Paulo was traumatized by the breakup and all the changes. He was registered for kindergarten (without Ana) as “Mira, transgender female”, and Ana’s ex fought ferociously when anyone tried to suggest a more open approach.
Ana hired an educational advocate who argued brilliantly for neutrality in the school, including the use of both Paulo’s names and avoidance of pronouns altogether. The school stated that they had to follow the child’s lead since the parents did not agree. Ana lost her fight to keep things open and uncemented for Paulo. Paulo lost, too. He lost his chance to be a happy and healthy little boy in school.
When children are socially transitioned and affirmed at very young ages, it becomes more difficult to change back to their birth identity. This is absolutely the case for Paulo.
My research has suggested that when children are socially transitioned and affirmed at very young ages, it becomes more difficult to change back to their birth identity. This is absolutely the case for Paulo. The self-centered affirmative approach gave him too much power, but he cannot change it on his own. During his time with us, he identifies as a vibrantly happy little boy, while at the same time, Ana has been labeled as abusive and was accused of “deadnaming” her own child.
During his time with us, he identifies as a vibrantly happy little boy, while at the same time, Ana has been labeled as abusive and was accused of “deadnaming” her own child.
It was the beginning of many heartbreaks in our attempts to turn things around. I read voraciously – scholarly articles and personal stories – and watched endless documentaries and YouTube videos. Paulo had never been gender dysphoric, and as I witnessed, did not even remotely identify as female.
That’s one of the sticky wickets, though, isn’t it? As the trans ideology has continued to gain momentum, frighteningly, the criteria for children to identify and get medical treatments has all but disappeared. I remember feeling excited to tell a therapist at a gender clinic that Paulo goes to once yearly that he loved his body. The therapist shot me down by saying, “I know many trans people who love their bodies.” Say, what?!
I was excited to tell a therapist at a gender clinic that Paulo loved his body. The therapist shot me down by saying, “I know many trans people who love their bodies.”
Despair loomed ever more present, but I became a champion and to this day, I continue to implore Ana to never give up fighting for the truth. As we all know, this is hard to do, and on some days, our strength feels marred by the activist propaganda. We feel inexorably weakened by this fierce wave of illogical conclusions – as if our CHILDREN’S futures are a done deal. On other days, however, we are fortified by rare glimmers of sanity in the press, and by the growing numbers in our mostly underground community who are all fighting this very necessary fight.
Ana and her ex have been in a custody battle for many months. A trial will happen some time in 2019. Our family is not the only one to go the route of litigation. There are several known cases that are eerily similar to ours here in Great Britain, and in the US in the states of Arizona, Ohio, Kentucky and currently in Texas. In every case, there is a mother who appears to be the one to insist that their very young child is transgender with (usually) a father who has not witnessed anything of the kind. So far, many of the fathers have won. It is impossible to know how things will go for us in our über liberal bubble.
Ana and her ex have been in a custody battle for many months. A trial will happen some time in 2019. There are several known cases that are eerily similar to ours here in Great Britain, and in the US in the states of Arizona, Ohio, Kentucky and currently in Texas.
We have two excellent expert witnesses lined up; one is a very experienced family psychologist who will testify on how damaging it has been for Paulo to be caught in such a tragic loyalty bind. She is horrified by what has happened to Paulo and is looking forward to educating the judge. Our other expert is an internationally know psychologist who is very well versed in the science of treating gender dysphoric children. Our retirement funds stand to be decimated, but we are very fortunate to have these experts.
A very experienced family psychologist will testify on how damaging it has been for Paulo to be caught in such a tragic loyalty bind. She is horrified by what has happened to Paulo.
In the meantime, we continue to ask ourselves and everyone we know and trust to help us hold on to the facts and stay abreast of all changes, both good and bad. One can literally get swept downstream in all of the false glory and promises that tout the gender-affirming model to be the answer to our children’s futures. I believe that nothing could be further from the truth.
Paulo is now eight years old and has been “Mira” in his primary class for four years. The therapist at the gender clinic still gives a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, which may do some damage in court. We actually asked him what criteria he used to diagnose Paulo, and he could not offer anything of substance. He only claimed that “pronouns are a clear marker for Mira because she has asked for this for years.” Yes, but only 50% of the time!
We asked the gender therapist what criteria he used to diagnose Paulo. He claimed that “pronouns are a clear marker for Mira because she has asked for this for years.” (But only 50% of the time!)
I also believe that Paulo is afraid. It is true that he was, in effect, brainwashed by the early affirming of “Mira”, and yet… even at age eight, I think he knows there is something rotten in the state of Denmark. His therapist uses no name or pronouns (this was court ordered) but he tells us that Paulo refuses to process anything emotional during the sessions. The therapist is not allowed unilateral contact with the parents.
And yet… even at age eight, I think he knows there is something wrong.
Paulo tells us he has no words to talk about anything hard. He has no clue as to what it would mean to start on puberty-suppressing drugs and then go on to cross-sex hormones. And yet, the therapist at the gender clinic has already raised the possibility of puberty blockers for him – twice! You know the line: “This will buy Mira time while she becomes more clear on who she is.” How many of us have read or heard those words and felt horror spread slowly through us like coffee dribbled onto a paper towel? The knowledge that our children could be so toyed with and experimented on is close to unbearable. Yet, I read your stories and know with dread that this could happen to our beautiful boy. Ana cannot imagine this. She is unable to fathom being able to live a joyful life if his health and wellbeing – not to mention his fertility – are stolen from him.
Ana is unable to fathom being able to live a joyful life if his health and wellbeing – not to mention his fertility – are stolen from him.
In processing all of these heart-wrenching tales of loss, denial and manipulation, I am reminded of how this runaway train has traveled through all of us - often at frightening speeds. One day, it will be stopped. Of course, I hope it is slowed down enough before Paulo gets on it completely. But it is one day of coping at a time. I fear his childhood wonder is at least partially obscured now. We are all navigating uncharted waters. How desperately we want to reassure him! I hope that by facing our fears, and standing solidly by our resolve to do everything we can to protect him, that it will somehow hold him up.